H i , I a m u s e l e s s

No, please hear me out.

Most of the time I'd like to think that my life is very perfect and wonderful. Student life is very simple and easy for me. I frankly don't work as hard as I should, yet I always do superbly. Luck eh. I guess i have the talent to be a good student. Not conscientious type, but the lucky always scrape thru very nicely type.

SO anyway I received the acceptance form for the DUO-Singa-pore Fell-owship A-ward last week and I dragged and dragged and procrastinated finding sureties because I couldn't think of anyone who could fulfill all the stringent criteria. I was quite bewildered actually because the SG Gov-t is giving me thousands just to go to Sweden, and there's no bond, so why do i need sureties? In case I take the money and don't go on exchange?>?? So anyway very last minutely my parents had to approach my neighbour whom I don't even really know. I feel very bad. And I made him wait till very late becos I took a long way to reach home.


SO the essence is. My life of slacking and doing well may seem very perfect, but actually my life is in a mess. Its very unpacked and messy. My stuff is lying everywhere. I'm messy with my accounts and loose with my money. My UOB bank account i keyed in my PIN 3 times in a row, and I'm supposed to go to the bank to unlock it, but I haven't. And that was 1 year ago. I drag and drag and drag and I don't know what to do with my life. Simple stuff like award applications and even award acceptance, I drag to the last possible moment, until the sky is just about to collapse then I try to rush it past the deadline. I wonder why the hell I'm so last minute. Its like part of my nature, I cannot help it.

Anyway I'm interning at my dearest scholarship providers now. I feel v scared. That I will not be able to shine in the workplace. The things I'm learning now are very operational, and my lastmin-cramming talents dont really give me a head-up in the working world I think. Anyway. I'm quite lost. I don't know what my future holds. The grass is always greener on the other side. The public service machina is so big and strong, I wonder if any one person can make a difference. I need to gain direction. I hope I find a nice niche department when I graduate.

OK i need to sleep. I always spend my time doing nothing and slacking. Been sleepin v little lately cos i spend my time doing unproductive stuff.

And anyway i tink the real tension is that innately I feel this need to do REALLY REALLY REALLY well in everything that I do, just because I've built up this huge enormous secret ego upon lucky success after lucky success.

Oh ya btw I got a B and B- for my biz modules this sem, but I got 3A+ and 2As too. Its really very very very good especially for a semester full of rushing arnd and not doing work. So should i be proud of myself? Yes? No? I don't know. Successes build u up for a fall. Anyway in essence I just erm feel that the office environment is not as conducive for me to excel in as compared to in school. I like school. I feel like being a teacher or a professor.